From Essex to anywhere via the pub

A wasted youth and a new start....

2009-04-27T12:20:00.003+01:00

Last week I had to make a visit to my GP....

....and no I didn't get some exotic sex rash while my wife was away....

The nearest I got to an extra marital liaison was the almost unnatural relationship I formed

with my PS3....

Anyway after several weeks of coping with a aching knee..I had to admit defeat and book in at the lush and very friendly Highgate Surgery..my doc "du jour" Dr Taylor then told me the bad news...

"Mr Price you have........

......housemaids knee"

Well if that ain't the most Rock n Roll ailment a man could have...

A lumpy lump full of fluid that is brought on by excess kneeling...

The downside of tiling...

So here I stand at the job search junction,a 32 year old tiler who cant tile floors and has trained for nothing else due to the fact I spent a very sizable chunk of my life being a "man about town".

In my case this term is just a way of me trying to make years of drinking,looking stupid and believing that one day I would be "discovered" sound like something Byronic and glamorous...It was glamorous sometimes and if I had a pound for every C-list no mark I'd met...I'd be at least £20 better of than I am now.

But in reality it could be seen as a waste of time.....

Anecdotes don't pay the bills...

And now the hunt begins,for a new job, something that will not demean too much and not involve kneeling...

Make up your own punchlines to that one...

Wish me luck...

Gold Dust...

2009-04-20T13:11:00.002+01:00

Alot has happened since my last post....my wife left for New Zealand(not for ever),I've questioned my sanity and my beloved Everton have done the impossible and reached the F.A cup final...

Lets start with the events of yesterday,from the minute I awoke my stomach churned as if I had ate a late night street hot dog, that had been kept company by eight pints of Stella,this couldn't have been further from the truth...the previous night had been all salad and early nights,so the rumblin and grumblin guts was put down to pure nervousness.I showered, put on my lucky Jagielka number 6 away shirt and sat down to a hearty breakfast of tea and bacon butty...the build up on the sports channels had started and so it began.Little did I know that the day would end with such undiluted joy and so the hours that led up to the match itself were hard..I even found myself after years of being a non-smoker rummaging around in the kitchen draws to find my wife's emergency fags..

And so it came to pass after several pots of tea and a few very unpleasant dry Marlboro lights.. as I hid in the hallway peeking at the TV from an obtuse angle...Everton won....It may have been a scrappy game that will be remembered for the Man Utd team selection and the penalty that never was...and armchair glory hunters who only watch the 4-4 games(and live for 606 with Alan Green) have called it turgid...but us Blues don't care,we out sung Utd even if we didn't outplay them and with all the former players scattered around the ground it just goes to show that once you've played for the toffeemen its never leaves you..

Sir Alex can moan all he wants this morning about the playing surface and the mind games (pot and kettle springs to mind) and the phone in's can chime with all the usual drivel...but all that matters is we are in the final, with a good chance to claim a trophy both that Moyes and the fans deserve.Once again the performance of Rodwell was a great positive and the comeback of Vaughan means we now have a first choice striker selection problem which is something that must seem odd to the manager...Jags and Lescott were immense as ever and to see the former blade bury the winning pen was something that seemed written..after all he's been our best player for the last year.In general we were not at our best,and we will have to be to beat the ever improving Chelsea,but I'm learning this season that anything is possible so fingers crossed...

its been ages....

2009-04-01T12:45:00.002+01:00

That's right I'm back...its been a long time since my last post..and to be honest its been due to ill-discipline and that dreaded work thingy...I've also been preparing myself for the three weeks of solace that will commence on Sunday as my beloved wife hops on a plane to New Zealand.
Shes taking a long overdue trip back to see her family,but as we are both feeling the affects of the phantom crunch..I cant afford to go with her...Bugger!
Being a attention seeking idiot,three weeks on my own is going to be hard...sometimes my other half must feel like a therapist...(she saves me a fortune)
So I'm making sure that I'm busy and out n about..I'm going be down in the motherland (Essex)
grafting with my dad..and doing lots of fresh air strolling..kept company by a few audio books.
The bike may even get a dust off and the lucky people of north London may get to see my pained red face hurtling towards them..its all happening..
The one thing I've got to keep in check while on my own is the comforting lure of the pub..
it would be all too easy to find great comfort in the bosom of the Wit n Cat,the bar snacks,light and lager and the tattered upholstery can lift the load and soothe the soul of a lonely man like me with great ease...
So as April unfolds, for me its a tale of moderation,keeping the grey matter busy and long distance phone calls at ungodly times of day...
This month also includes the biggest game in a while for Everton FC.The F.A cup semi against
Man Utd...If by some act of god or stroke of luck we win...the idea of moderation will be out the window!
If we win... you will hear me...and probably see me on the news..
So off I pop to do stuff of a important nature( put the kettle on)
But it wont be long til I return with more interesting things to say...I promise...

A night to forget or ignore for FIFA...

2009-03-16T14:39:00.002Z

Sepp Blatter and Mr Platini must be cursing the results from this weeks Champions League...
Once again four English teams made the next step to Rome and once again the so called "giants" of Europe have fallen by the wayside...
Inter gone,the old lady Juventus departed and Real Madrid put to the scouse sword.
But the biggest worry for the FIFA bigwigs should not be their obvious hatred for Premier League dominance...or there obsession with the 6 + 5 rule,that they feel will somehow throw a immigrant shaped spanner in the EPL spokes..(Inter only had one Italian in the squad against Man Utd by the way Mr Blatter)...
The biggest worry about the latest round of Europe's most glossy cup comp..is the violence that once again marred the game between Arsenal v AS Roma...despite the lack of real bother in the ground itself,supporters from the north London club were pelted with stones and one unlucky fan was stabbed....This was not the first incident to occur at the Stadio Olimpico..and yet FIFA keep turning a blind eye..and its going to be the host ground for the final..
Once again someone in great power is being swayed by either blindness or the size of the brown envelope? or both....
If this combination of corruption,violence and right wing hooliganism were to happen at Old Trafford on a Wednesday night during a tie involving the "powers that be's" beloved Madrid or Barca there would be life bans for all involved and we would be staring down the barrel of another post Heysel predicament...and rightly so.
And yet Roma will host the prestigious final..even tho they have a appalling record of stadium trouble..Why Sepp? tell me why?
Tell me why you have no guts or conviction in making this violence a thing of the past...
Maybe English clubs should boycott the Champs League?
Until we see change and the appropriate punishments....
Or maybe the ultimate show of strength would be to have another all English final and take Rome by storm...
Maybe?
But to all Aston Villa fans who currently crave this European glory...just think......
If you claim that prized fourth spot.....
What if you draw AS Roma?
Will you be taking your kids to the Stadico Olimpico?
Non Probabilmentei.....

Scratching the itch..

2009-03-04T10:19:00.002Z

It's been an age since I sat in the chair and underwent several hours of body contorting pain.
The buzzing sound of the needles,the smell of the hopefully spotless equipment,and the swollen throbbing of a freshly inked limb are all things of the long distant past....
That is until you get that itch...
That itch that says..
"you've got a gap"
"you haven't had any work done for yonks"
"That fresh piece of flesh needs marking for life"
My god I'm itching now!!!
I'm in desperate need...an old friend of mine recently talked about getting his first tat and BANG....I was there getting my first,then the craving started...and it is a craving...

Ive known I wanted full sleeves since I was a kid,tattoos have always had an air of romance for me...my grandad had a war I.D tat on his forearm and the smudged green mark that stood for his commitment to his country and love for his wife filled me with a swell of pride even then...also the meaning of tats has always been important plus they are a way of standing out and getting noticed and quite frankly with a name like Vane I've hardly ever been a wallflower!
They divide people,my mum hates mine,and people have moved away from me due to the art covering my skin.But I love what the are to me,and I love the fact that I'm along way from finishing..my arms are part done,and the ideas for all the gaps have been pondered and cogitated on for many years..I have no real longing for the pain that comes with the process..it isn't awful but once your adrenalin and endorphins fade (for me that's after around 2 hours) the pain becomes more a severe annoyance rather than agony... the swelling and aftercare can be worse,but in the end, after a couple of weeks of pile cream and clingfilm you look at your new piece and another bit of the jigsaw has dropped into place..another step towards completion..
To a shrink this is probably very insightful but then I already know I'm a vain show off who longs for attention and recognition..and being a painted man gets me plenty of both....
It's not cheap to cover your body in doodles,but that's a good thing...it makes it all the more special...and right now I'm counting the pennies and staring at a blank piece of epidermis that needs something...but what?
A rose and spiders web?
Another skull?
A memorial to someone special?
Or all three!!!
Better get saving...'cos that itch needs scratching!

Brushing it under the carpet

2009-02-23T12:32:00.003Z

The papers today will be full of the usual "sky four" fodder
according to them Man United have won the league, Chelsea are re-born and Rafa has cocked up again(all have a modicum of truth),meanwhile Arsenal are a long distant memory and media darlings Aston Villa have started to stumble...all of this has overshadowed one of the most horrific tackles(if you can call common assault a tackle) to be seen in the Premiership in quite some time.Kevin Nolan's two footed lunge was nothing short of stomach churning and due to the fact that his victim Victor Anichebe stood up and has not been seriously injured has allowed it to be glossed over by most of the mainstream press.In the month that Eduardo returned from his lengthy absence,why has Nolan's brutal challenge not been so highly reported?
After all the crunching tackle on the Arsenal hitman is still being talked about with so much venom.
Maybe its because Anichebe hasn't been left with a vomit inducing injury,or maybe its just because it was a tackle on a Everton player of no real profile?
Whatever the reason is it's wrong!
This is the sort of tackle that we are meant to be banishing from the game,and just because its committed by a player who "isn't that type of player" why should it be so overlooked?
My passion may have been accentuated by the fact that it's a blue blooded fellow toffee that has been clattered but even if this had been the other way round I would be calling for Big Vic to be heavily punished(three games just isn't long enough)
In a game that was disappointing in many ways,this was a true low light and I for one will hate Nolan from this day onward..I'm not buying his apology or remorse.
If only we could have stuck a few goals past 'em to lighten our heavy hearted mood as we waited for the bad news about both Vic and Mikky...
And as it gets brushed under the carpet for news on the Champions League I hope its binds us together for our now even tougher run in...
COYB

Negotiating the Maze

2009-02-13T10:06:00.005Z

Being married has many upsides, but apart from the obvious love,care and regular wotnot...

The main upside of meeting my good lady wife has been the way she has expanded my palate...
When we met I was a cul -de -sac of nutrition by Iceland,but in the years we have been hitched I have blossomed into a gastro ponce of the highest calibre.
Along with my taste buds being led down a culinary path and my stomach discovering all manner a new joys a terrors...I now love to eat out....It's has become a genuine passion.
So last night to celebrate the 4th year of our union we went to Maze Grill a Grosvenor Square based eatery that comes under the Gordon Ramsey umbrella.
With Jason Atherton at the helm this is a chic and understated establishment,In the main restaurant the food nods to the head chef's time at El Bulli,but in the grill you can expect fabulous meat and delectable sides.We opted for the grill,we were led to our olive green leather C-shaped seating by our attentive waiter, being allowed to settle before being asked what liquid pleasures we fancied I choose the classic Ricard and Nix had an apple and sage martini.The martini had that dangerous "I could drink that all night" vibe about it,and the Ricard...well you can't bugger that up,so onto the menu.
We were then shown the goods,our waiter brought over the slabs of varyingly aged and priced beef like a drug dealer with his best stash,he told us all about the texture,taste and history of the delicious looking flesh and then scurried off to get our starters.The menu allows you to mix 'n' match in a tapas stylee,so that's what we did, ordering- soft shell crab,beef and pimento peppers,salt and pepper squid and last but not least pigs on toast(bone marrow served on small toasts with Parmesan and rocket).
All were good with the soft shell crab rising to the top,it was a deep fried wonder, crunching first then bursting with ozone, a sweet seafood treat.
The sommelier then helped us pick out a well priced Alamos Bondara(big Argentinian red) to accompany our eagerly anticipated steaks,my wife went for the Hereford grass fed 25 day aged sirloin,I opted for the Casterbridge grain fed 21 day rib eye.To truly bust the belt buckle we added fries,and gratin to go with it,after all what is steak without frite?
The beautifully seared meat was presented on wooden boards along with the sides and a hand mixed at the table steak sauce ,which was sweet,tangy and with a little background heat.Mine was a perfect woosie medium and my cave women wife had hers blue.The chatter stopped and into the quiet world of masticating we sank,only breaking the silence to remark on how much we were both enjoying ourselves.The boards were wiped clean and the debris was cleared by the well drilled staff,then came the desert.........
A bitter chocolate brownie and selection of cheese,job done....
Just to add a little fuzz to my now pleasure engulfed body I had a 12year old Rosebank.
The combo of the decadent dark chocolate and tart cheeses washed down with the heady water of life really ended this experience on the right note.
Then came the bill.............
£170 notes, that included a pretty healthy tip..not bad at all.
To sum it up-
Nice atmos,great staff,great grub and not to steep a mark up on the booze...
Also this place does a very reasonable set lunch,well worth a look....
So on with the coats and off into the drizzle to hail a cab to speed us northward to change into
elasticated trousers.....
Maze Negotiated

606,108 and 2nil

2009-02-12T08:23:00.003Z

Lastnight saw me huddled around the glow of my laptop cursing my broadband speed due to the fact my wife wanted to watch Masterchef(It doesn't get tougher than this!).So onto the ITV website I went and the buffering commenced...This was a night for a great moment in one players career a one off mistake in an others and countless bleating and the bog standard par for the course bilge from Joe Public.

So the match in short from a English point of view was a hotch potch of clumsy play, disjointed tactics and due to cup involvements and title chases abit lacking in real effort.....

But really what did we really expect?

Well according to the average moron that rings up the dick personified that is Alan Green we expected us to maul the best passing side in the world of course!

Whether you like Becks or not to compare him to the sentimental vision of Bobby Moore is ridiculous beyond belief...Moore never won a European cup,league championship,and F.A cup treble or played for the biggest clubs in the world.But Becks never lifted the World Cup and never will,Moore also has what I like to call the Lennon affect.....

We all know that on the back of Beatles records it says Lennon/McCartney but its called John Lennon Airport....and so Moore has the advantage of dying tragically...this ups the tinted specs and rosey filter.

I never saw Moore play live or met him so I don't know if he was a "true gent" and a giant on the green stuff...and Becks persona is probably why people don't like him,lets face it us British hate success, good looks and pride in your country....That's why I think that Bobby would have welcomed Becks achievement 'cos after all successful,good looking and proud of his country were all things he was...

So back to the game...

After a encouraging first 20minutes we started to look ragged,the midfield clearly weren't doing a good enough job they were neither creating or defending...and the front two were a target that couldn't be reached,then one of the best defenders in the country made a rare error.

Phil Jagielka had made it look easy up to this point saving calamity James's blushes and tracking Torres manfully but with the midfield standing round looking at the majestic Xavi and Iniesta Jags tried to pick out a pass to someone who wasn't there,seconds later both him and John Terry looked like dizzy children as David Villa slalomed round them and coolly slotted home past James.

The first half eventually ground to a halt and then came the even more painful viewing of ITV's punditry.Tea was brewed and a jimmy was taken......

The start of second half brought five changes and a 108th cap for David Beckham,England continued to look clueless and my interest wained.I flicked between the live feed and the BBC's 606 but little did I know what horror was on the horizon.....Carlton Cole came on and they scored,a good delivery a towering header and some poor defending so nothing new there then...off went the lappy.On went the kettle and the radio...What a schoolboy error!
It wasn't long til my limbs were tense and my mouth full of expletives just bursting to come out,the people that ring in to just mock,complain and deride get on my tits...Green helps wind them up naturally...but I don't get their problem?
Yes we didn't play well,but Spain were at home and bang up for it...and if you watch footy regularly you will know occasionally your domestic team does the same as England did they go missing,and are you telling me that all of the moaners that complain about prima Donna's and other cliches go into their dead end jobs and bust the humps everyday regardless...Bullshit..
Its another example of this countries problem with success...if you make pots of dough it wont be long til some div questions your integrity or if you are worth your fortune..They will no doubt see it as fluke or corrupt..You cant win...They build you up and then knock you down twice.
I know it sounds foolishly optimistic but I believe that had lastnight been in a competitive environment with the full squad it would have been alot different...3nil perhaps!!!!
Seriously.. I'm a half full kind of bloke,maybe that's why I will never ring 606...Maybe that's why I support Everton and maybe that's why the Becks/Moore debate makes no sense to me..
Because surely instead of playing the two off against each other shouldn't we be swollen with pride that they both had the 3 lions across their chests.

meme the results......

2009-02-11T20:55:00.002Z

1.MC5-I want you right now
2.The Cribs-Things you should be knowing
3.Ray Charles-I found my baby there
4.The stone roses-Going down
5.Marion-Vanessa
6.Mudhoney-The money will roll write in
7.Lambchop-A day without glasses
8.Flight of the concords-Think about it
9.Scott Walker-Next
10.Gene-Cast out the seventies
11.Tchaikovsky-Nut cracker
12.Walker Brothers-First love never dies
13.Suede-High Rising
14.Marion-Lets all go together
15.Ike and Tina Turner-I cant believe what you say.
16.Dee Clark-Nobody but you
17.Bauhaus-Dancing
18.MSP-PCP
19.The Smiths-Some girls are bigger than others
20.SFA-(A) Touch sensitive

Sort that one out STAXX....

I take it all back......Well not all of it...

2009-02-10T11:26:00.003Z

In a earlier post I made one of my classic sweeping statements which I've decided to amend,having just watched Dead Set,all five episodes back to back(yes it's a slow day)
I must say someone did give a chance to someone and that person was Mr Charlie Brooker
and he came up trumps.....
Dead Set was something I missed first time around and thanks to the on demand revolution
I've now feel enlightened...It is brilliant.
Flesh eating Zombie madness of the highest order...
As for the Death of TV...
The monitor has started beeping again and we have white eyed skin rippers to thank for it....

I'm alright Jack...actually I'm better than alright...

2009-02-06T11:36:00.005Z

As the euphoria of the derby win dissipates and the groggy feeling that a few light and lagers tends to cause eases, there is a glowing blue aura the has emanated from me like the Readybrek man ever since.Of course it's due to the victory over the team from across the park,and in part it's due to the manner of the victory(deep in extra time) but the main reason for this royal blue haze is the performance of one player in particular......

Jack Rodwell.

While 19 year old Dan Gosling will take the plaudits and headlines and rightly so, his teammate and fellow teen Jack Rodwell for me was the true joy to watch.At 17 he really is a great prospect but even though his star is most definitely in the ascendancy to Everton fans its comes as no surprise.He was the under 16 England captain,he scored the first winning goal at the new Wembley and has been highly regarded in blue nose circles for a couple of years now....

But the other night he took the pitch in the 59th minute and even though it was a derby, a replay and a cauldron of a atmosphere he made it look like he had made 100 appearances plus...
His composure, class and physical presence were something to make even the most hardened toffee get all misty eyed.You can spend all the money in the world but seeing a local lad don the shirt and develop into a true gem is the greatest feeling a fan can have....ask Liverpool fans..Gerrard is a talisman to them,it's the same with Noble at West Ham and Downing at the Boro...
These local born lads know what it is to love the club that neutered them and play with every ounce of their being to emulate their heroes.
Rodwell is the kind of player that the likes of Chelsea would love to have and who knows for a colossal fee(around 30mil would be about right) they probably could have.But for now he is a Evertonian and I for one will hope that's how it stays because he truly is an England star in the making and a very rare thing in this day and age....he's a homegrown talent, not a foreign foetus smuggled in from a feeder club that negates a loop hole in FIFA's hole ridden structure.
He's homegrown,one of ours, a toffee, a royal blue rough diamond just waiting to be cut and polished....and with master jewellers Moyes and Co at the tools all being well Goodison Park could soon be garnished with another 24carat sparkler...

sea legs and violence...

2009-01-26T11:46:00.002Z

This weekend saw the return of the Benfleet Boys on board the Elizabethan...and a moment of all too common street violence.
Myself and one of my oldest and dearest pals Mr Simon 'Stretch' Foster threw down a short but perfectly formed set while sailing soulfully up Old Father Thames on Saturday night, the occasion was the wedding of Natalie and Oliver and the reception on the luxurious paddle steamer was a top night...on disembarking me and my good lady travelled further southward to the home of the Furzers..here we quaffed whisky and brought the world to rights before sleeps dark vail covered us all.In the morning a hearty breakfast(Norwegian salmon and scrambled eggs) was indulged in and quality time was spent with the side grinning Dylan(a three month old bundle of joy).
Still coping with a slight hangover we traversed northward using the landmarks to guide us and as the rain lashed down we stopped on the Holloway road to purchase crisps,ginger beer and other pain curing accoutrement's.
After turning the key in the lock and slipping into my leisure wear I put the kettle on grazed on snacks, cheese and fizzy pop til I felt ill,then came the nausea that was the second installment of the double derby week and to save you from a match report lets just say it was a draw..
Night fell and as my wife settled down to watch the puke fest that is lark rise to crappyfeltch I went online, only to find that on his way home Si had been mugged at chisel point by some cowardly shithouse only minutes from his home,phone,cash and records were robbed but thankfully Si is OK..Maybe now people will now start to buy into my Taser Tsar idea.(a pub concept that involves me armed with a Taser patrolling the streets punishing the law breakers 'shocking results')
Anyway another weekend in the smoke came to an end...and as ever it was chocker full of ups n downs....
Dr Johnson was never so right!

Derby Day and the death of TV......

2009-01-19T12:45:00.004Z

The butterflies have started the replica shirt has been washed and ready to go since the weekend and tonight is the night.........
Now if you believe the red shite,I mean the red side of Merseyside they don't think of this as a derby they prefer to say that Man Utd are their true rivals....five european cups blah blah blah....
But to beat them tonight at Analfield sorry Anfield would make this year a dream and to put them out of the F.A cup next weekend well... Heaven,Nirvana,you name the mythical place of enlightenment and I will be there.........With knobs on!
"90 minutes of shear hell" as John Barnes once put it,is exactly what I will be going through tonight but it will never compare to the persistent visual torment that seems to be infecting British TV of late.I'm talking about the lazy and incompetent TV executives idea of regurgitating period drama instead of throwing abit of money at something original and groundbreaking.Why in gods name does someone at the BBC think that all the public want to see is some remake of a remake of a culturally irrelevant and thoroughly twee dead mans novel.
Why does this biscuit tin and tea cosy kak with its "oh madam I seem to have brushed your bosom" and its "Master James I feel your tone has inflamed my ardor" bullshit,become some sort of staple output for a Sunday.....
I mean I'm kool with Antiques Roadshow,I like the soft ambling pace of this pre-bath classic.But now Sunday evening has become Ovaltine for the brain...and even if you flick around period drama is everywhere and not just in the guise of Dickensian toss but there is a real reluctance to make any show based in the present(unless it has a public vote),Heartbeat,The Royal remakes of the 39 steps,All nostalgia trips.
You know something is wrong when all you do is watch DVD box sets of American TV.
We all know about the current and highly talked about TV that is being produced by the likes of HBO and FX and I'm sure that many of us have lost whole weekends watching The Wire but ask yourself this....What if ITV took half the budget they spew on the evil that is X-Factor and let someone make a new and intellectually engrossing pilot....What if the BBC took some of the money they make from the advertising revenue they get from UKTV food,Dave and G.O.L.D and gave it to Charlie Brooker or someone of his obvious talent and told them to go ahead and make something the isn't the vulgar catchphrase littered sub Benny Hill fest that was the last Little Britain Debacle.....
What if?
Dont get me wrong....Life on Mars was a great moment, all be it retro,and The Mighty Boosh is a triumph but I'm sure there is enough talent around to make these nuggets in the shit a regular find rather than a occasional bonus...
I never thought I would agree with Bruce Springsteen...
BUT
"57 channels and nothin on"
True Bruce..
To true..........................

grounds for divorce

2009-01-14T09:57:00.003Z

After spending a tracksuited day at chez Vane yesterday I can now confirm that
Football Manager 2009 is evil!
It's hold on me is permeating my brain even as I sit here typing this out,all I can think of
is how my scout is gonna get on with his assignment to find me a young powerful striker
during his trip to South America......
This game has it all,if you are a footy obsessed freak like me then this really could condemn
you a life of loneliness, broadband dependence and a autistic knowledge of hundreds of
minor footballers allover the world.This laptop based crack could also seriously damage your
wealth, simply because you will give up your job and sign on just to get your fix.
How my Leyton Orient side is getting on, is such a vast distraction that even if Salma Hayek was offering to pay me to disappoint her sexually while opening bottles of Springbank 30 with her buttocks,I would ask her if I could just check my current team confidence levels before.This would of course lead to me forgetting completely that I had on of the world most gorgeous women
begging for my own brand of shoddy loving due to the fact that I'd drawn Spurs in the cup.
So after losing one day to this hermit creating sim,I now worry that if this continues that it wont be long til I am pale, malnourished and divorced...
But on the upside I may have got the O's promoted and be on a revenue boosting cup run........

soup...

2009-01-13T11:08:00.003Z

With the cold snap continuing to force the wearing of unflattering clothes,and the excess of Christmas still lingering in your love handles and bank balance.
There is a new way to fulfill all your moral, nutritional and monetary needs............
SOUP
Yeah that's right soup, its cheap,warming and has that element of the healthy "five a day" shizz
that clutters up the press and media,OK it doesn't has active bacteria,or help a long jumper see better, but its all good.
French onion,spicy lentil,pea and ham or classic minestrone,with a chunk of crusty bread,you can't beat that....
Now I know it all sounds very neo modern gastro peasant(I'm claiming that as a new movement) but who cares...
I'm loving it, Ive gone soup mental.
I'm doing a pea and ham today,all I need is a fat tongue a trust fund and floppy hair and I'd be on the tele!
Dan Vane's Neo Modern Gastro Peasant Kitchen Channel 4 @ 8......
You never know bigger cocks than me have clambered onto the goggle box.
Anyway think soup
Peace out......

spreading the word..............

2009-01-12T12:02:00.001Z

At the weekend myself and perennial virus catcher Simon Foster*
began work on the next step of my world domination,a small and yet perfectly formed way of reaching out to the millions of unfortunate sods that haven't yet heard the gospel according to The Vane....
The pics were taken in a suitably adhoc way,at a very apt location and all this was nicely rounded off with a visit to my church the holy refuge that is the Wit and Cat.
And after watching Man Utd batter Chelski,the day was ended with sausage and mash and a early night...ahhhhh there's nuffin like gravy to weigh down the eye lids and sooth the soul.
So to the next stage of the process,Mr Foster is currently in tracky bottoms pulling all his best Southend College knowledge together to create the finished masterpiece...I can feel your anticipation building or is it just wind.Anyway once it is done it will be clogging up the in trays of hundreds of editors everywhere...and also by then I hope to have pimped this site with the help of the newly uncled Mr Staxx aka the sprag..
So back to the grind..Hoxton wont ponce itself!

*Bones Brigade Founder Member

Death of a legend

2009-01-08T11:02:00.000Z

Isn't it weird how life's strange turns and twists throw up the oddest moments of
peculiar symmetry,the other morning I jumped into my car on my way to doing the ultimate
rock n roll pastime of paying bills in Crouch End and the album chosen to accompany my
journey this particular day was the awesome fuzz fest that is The Stooges second long player Fun House.
When I returned home I discovered that the man who created the monumental noise that had
made even the most mundane of trips to the bank swagger like Iggy on crack had passed away.
My heart sank,Ron Asheton was a pioneer and a futurist but most of all he made me want to be a guitarist...the bleeding amp and crunching chords that pinned me to a wall in Essex as a youth had lost not one Gram of their strength in all these years.The fuzzed out soul and sometimes too "raw power" was still enough to get a 30 plus bald man bouncing in his small hatch back on the way to the Nationwide in nappy valley.
Its not often that a true legend dies but this week one has,and needless to say ever since I heard the news its been 1969 OK in my gaff....
R.I.P
Ron Asheton
1948-2009

2009 the year of Dan

2009-01-05T09:43:00.000Z

So the Christmas wotnot is over and the trial of awkward silences tough meat, tougher wrapping paper and not enough nibbles comes to a end.......
Also along the way the new year snuck in during a very pleasant and terribly Guardian reader style break in a barn in the countryside.Lots of fun was had in the sub zero frosty temperatures of Hereford with my cousins,sister and the other half or should I say the better half.
I cooked my first ham,I say......
I cured a salmon,what what....
I drank sherry....
I'm becoming my grandad,or Hugh Fearnly Whittingwotsit.....
Anyway gourmet shizz aside it was tip top,but as I plowed down the M4 yesterday i must admit
I was chuffed to bits to be heading back to the big smoke,that's the thing about the weekend in the country thing,you get there, light the wood burner,pull the cork on a huge red and suddenly you are working out ways you can make a living in the wilderness,over the next few days you convince yourself that making cheese or running a smokery is a genuine option,but then as you hit the M25 on the way back your brain goes SUSHI....
And that's when you realise that you wouldn't be able to cut it due to your obsession with raw fish...
Today the usually new year crap begins,people in strip light lit orifices everywhere will be chirping on about their DETOX....
About how they are gonna drink less exercise more be better people blah blah blah...
Well its too late for me to drink less and eat less and as for being a better person that's why I see a shrink!
The reason why most of the detoxers cant hack the boozey crimbo is cos they are part time drinkers,holiday slurpers,they are the light weights you see being sick in there handbags on the central line around December the 19th...
I'm not proud of my intake but a regular top up of light and lager definately helps with the whole indulgent festive period,cos I've already got a good foundation to build on.
I eat twiglits all year round so they come as no shock to me!
Other than the extra pounds ,higher cholesterol and a scar where i cut my hand on my new and unbelievably sharp knife,my other reason for being pre-occupied is the transfer window.
That's right for all footy obsessives now is the time,sky sports news rolling info bar in the background, tribal football.com in a window all of its own and the BBC gossip columm being checked religiously every morning.
But being a Evertonian I don't think I'm gonna be celebrating any record breaking transfer coups,still the thought of Man City blowing millions to still get relegated is something to make it all worthwhile.
I also aim to do more of this blogging thing and take 2009 by storm so watch out!

the winter beard

2008-12-04T11:47:00.000Z

yes that's right its back people..........
The face fuzzz,my homage to ZZtop,uncle Albert,and big J is running riot
allover my boat.
My wife ain't to keen but tuff shizz,I'm gonna rock this bad boy until the weather picks up
or something starts to inhabit it.
Being a bald man what else have I got to do?
The growing of facial hair has become a obsession,I've had the spiv the handlebar the soul patch
and the ridiculous sideburns and all have made me look equally desperate.That's what happens
when a baldy grows a beard,the simple act of growing one is a sign that you are compensating
and that just what I'm doing,I used to look kool as kustard because of my obtuse hair but since
I washed it down the plug hole I tend to make myself look stupid with the kind of facial hair that
put ten years on my average age.
Why do this?
Why torture myself?
fuck knows......
But I've now not seen my top lip for many years and the idea of it being exposed to a
hirsute world makes me feel ill.
I now feel that without my chin being encased in greying hair it has no shape and that I
have the look of Gail Tilsley.
And even though it makes me look old and like my head is on upside down I cant live without
it,so that's how it happens,that's how you become a beardy.It creeps up behind you when you are vunerable and drags you kicking and screaming into a room with Noel Edmonds,Kenny Rodgers and lots of real ale drinkers seventies footballers and known terrorists.
Oh well can't win them all!!!

while the cats away....

2008-11-28T10:54:00.000Z

the mice should play...
knowing that my wife is going to be out on Saturday night should fill me
with thoughts of how to decadently waste my solo life away.
A long heady night spent in the company of pert young things full of the
verve and spirit that once spilled out of my pores.
A night full of drink, dance and glimpses of eye contact with night dwellers glistening with
beads of narcotic tinged perspiration.
A evening that staggers into the dawn, buzzing like blown tweeter.
The kind of adventure that starts and ends in a chip shop.
Gurning,grinning,giggling and inevitably gagging.
you know the drill......
but the reality is that i will probably end up watching more football than is
healthy and playing PlayStation til i get carpal tunnel syndrome..
oh well welcome to your thirties!

which Wainwright is right????

2008-11-24T08:30:00.000Z

In a word...(words)
All three.
As I trudged home last night up the steady incline of Highgate Hill the rain
dampening what i now know to be my not so waterproof charity shop parka and
with the warm fuzz of a few light and lagers helping the wet journey back to my warm flat
pass easier I pulled out my glowing iPhone and scrolled through to pick my suitable homeward
bound accompaniment,
Martha or Rufus?
After a short inward mental choice I chose Martha,and in the evening glare of dripping street lamps it was the right choice,but it could have easily been her sibling that night.
I know that sometimes Rufus can whine abit,and that Martha can get,well you know
abit...well whiny.
But as musical families go you cant beat abit of Wainwright.
Enigmatic, horsey faced ,camp and of course whiny.
God bless Mr and Mrs Wainwright.

im a vegetarian...but i eat fish

2008-11-13T14:17:00.002Z

is this the most gutless,hypocritical statement a human can make????
i think so...
so much that it has consumed my being......
so you don't want to eat meat for whatever half arsed reason,but you will
quite happily eat an animal that gets dragged out of the water by its face and then
has its life ended by either suffocation or a blow to the nogging.
give yourself a round of applause,you don't have to eat red meat or the battery chicken
but taking the moral high ground is a joke.
since when has the life of a halibut been less valuable than the quail?
and why the over exuberant exclamation of the fact?
"I'm a vegetarian"
"but i eat fish"
..
..
"and duck"
"and sometimes chicken"
"oh and i had a sausage roll a week ago"
Either commit or fuck off!!
"I'm a non smoker"
"except for cigars"
"and crack"
right that's that of my chest
lets all go to Gauchos and celebrate....
the meat is on me!!!!

wearing away the rug...

2008-10-30T09:28:00.000Z

My wife has seen me do many strange things,the fact that she still is my wife after many
of these peculiar events is the main reason i love her so much...
But on Saturday she witnessed the full range of ticks and twitches that come hand in hand with
listening to my second love Everton football club.The mighty toffeemen where playing Manchester United at the glorious Goodison Park(scatter me there).Goodison has already been earmarked as my first born's middle name!
Anyway for 90 long minutes i paced our tiny north London flat,the full theater of the game filling every square inch of our heavily mortgaged haven.my hands clutching and grasping thin air,my
brain full of the commentators words and descriptions of my beloved teams apparent failings in mid-field.
Then BANG we go 1nil down.
My heart sinks my hands miss the once sweet refuge of the cigarette,and i put the kettle on.
Half time comes and goes and Everton push forward finally looking like the team of last season,
and just when the muscles of my body where at full spasm,we SCORE....................................
And this is why we become so enthralled this moment,this elation, this relief.
A new Gwladys Street hero is born and hes 15 million quids worth of implausibly curly haired
Belgian!
Marouane Fellaini
I LOVE YOU!!!

32 and all is well

2008-10-21T11:15:00.000+01:00

So the 18th of October pasted with great joy n such merryment.....
Another birthday has been and gone,and unlike the troublesome times of last year this weekend was a time of food,drink and laughter.A great meal was had at Hix oyster and chop house on Friday complete with the Price clan.A full belly was the order for the day as myself and close friends sat down at Ciao Bella on Saturday(not even the debacle at the Emershits could dampen my mood),and a rudely named pie was the nosh De jour down south London way on the sabbath.
All in all Monday rolled around without a tear being shed so Happy Days!!!!
As if the weekend wasn't packed to the gills with top fun,my bo-ed up skin and blister bought me
a 1970's Everton shirt as worn by the legend Bob Latchford father of the 30 goal haul and Lee from Steps....
Our move to Amsterdamage has been put on hold due to the cliche that is the economy...
but to be honest both myself and my good lady are pretty chuffed,as the good doctor once said
tired of Loondoon tired of life...
Damn right too!

The art of shoe

2008-10-15T10:34:00.000+01:00

Bass Weejuns,desert boots,brothel creepers,Trickers,biker boots,deck shoes......
These are all design classics the clutter up my wardrobe like a homage to Imelda Marcos.
I love shoes.
I'm from the school of thought that jackets,coats and shoes maketh the man.A standard t-shirt and a decent pair of selvage jeans can be automatically and stylistically transformed by for example a Crombie and a pair of tan trickers,or a Harrington and a talc dusted pair of desert boots,shoes are the full stop the statement of intent they say so much about where you are at and where you are going.A biker boot with a pin rolled turn up and a vintage MA-1 bomber jacket has a menace a rock n roll edge of classic rebellion,but in my case with my bald noggin and handlebar tash it gives me all the menace of a Compton Street cruiser.Still we all have a cross to bare.On the other side we have the summer gentrification of the Daks linen jacket Levis double x's and a deck shoe,all these looks are a tad cliche i admit but they are all looks i "rock" along with the aging mod,country gent,and 40's bin man.Why this chameleon personality crisis?
Probably because I have some sort of commitment issues or a inability to be original or maybe just maybe its because I love shoes!

a potential move?

2008-10-14T15:24:00.000+01:00

So as the credit crunch rumbles on like a un-manned golf cart full of shit, me and the present Mrs Vane are facing the prospect of a possible life changing moment....
My wife has been offered a job in Amsterdam.Now I've got no real problem in doing anything for such a brave and forgiving human being,but the land of the ham and cheese toastie,dear god!
It's taken so long to feel secure and safe nestled up in the north london cheese,and now I'm going to have to pack up my taxidermy and live near british people binging on hash cakes and blowys.
At least I've got a tash made for the lowlands,maybe this will help the transition?
Who knows?
If all this does happen and I end up cycling moustached and covered in edam along a canal,my heart will reside in the Wit and Cat in Archway along with a webcam,well after all I'm going to need a portal to blighty,and I can't think of a more warming sight than that hostelry.So pop in every now and then and order a light and lager for me.The webcam is in the mummyfied cat!

A review?

2008-10-14T15:21:00.001+01:00

I was sitting round the dinner table of a good friend the other night, and as always
the conversation got round to music, two aging men one balding the other bald what else is there to discuss certainly not recent women we’ve disappointed sexually, so I plugged my iphone(other mp3’s are available)into his cd player a trawled through the album list, past the E.L.O and M.I.A,both of which upset my wife no end. These days through headphones is the only way I get to listen to Mars Volta due to the famous in house prog embargo of 2007.Anyway I chose to give this an airing and straight away the muso bashing started. This record combined with large quantities of vino rouge nearly drove me and a very dear friend to blows, due to the large amount of obvious references this eponymous debut is cluttered with, im of the opinion that all music has to doff its cap to someone or something, he on the other hand has an in inherent problem with the plagiarist or what he sees to be plagiarism.
This is something will no doubt rumble on mostly because I continue to listen to new music and he continues to deny all existence of anything beyond 1979….meow
Anyway the review,
Lets get all the comparison and cliché stuff out of the way, yes Glasvegas is an awful name and yes they have a standy upy bird drummer like the velvets, and yes they do the odd girl group produced by My Bloody Valentine wotnot,and last of all they have a Scottish marychain bleakness…
All of this is true in the eyes of those that want to spend all there energy on trying to uncomplicated Glasvegas. All the actions of the paint by numbers reviewer.
But the facts are this is a 40minute goose bump fest, James Allen’s vocals combined with
the huge reverb, the thumping bass and drums rumbling under the chiming guitars,
a clean Marr-like sound that has a lovelorn romance to it, all of this produces a skin altering caucoughphany, and the only duff track is the Stabbed, a substandard poetry to classical music self indulgence moment, a classic debut fauxpas much like the Stone Roses Guernica,but it’s a mere 2 minutes long so its gone in a jiffy, the singles shine like petrol on tarmac, Geraldine starts with a crystalline guitar and opens widescreen into a windy alley way,with its lyrics about a social worker and the need, hope and desperation, it feels as if they could only be sung in Allen’s Glaswegian brogue, the soaring single segways into It’s my own cheating heart…..and swaying, ranting anthem. More icy chords and percussive tambourines are enveloped in massive scenery, drums pound and the bass continues to hold the widening aural canvas tight all the time the vision of a drizzly boom shot of the tenements flood your brain.
You get the picture it’s a one idea record, but that’s its great strength.Confidence and power in a sound that has proved so effective in the past, yes it’s not Genghis Tron or
Neo-mod break beat, but it does the job and does it well, Passionate, loud, ambitious and
not a mockney twang or stateside bastardization in sight. What happens next who knows
maybe a jazz concept triple album?

Daniel Vane

the eye of the norm

2008-10-14T14:15:00.001+01:00

Tight trousers, great hair, and a metabolism able to cope with constant alcoholic and narcotic nutrition.
All the things I’ve started to long for, craving them like Pete Doherty craves star fuckers and crack stained titfers.No longer am I secure in the thirties life, the duvet like cosiness of the quiet night in with a loved one good food and The Wire. All I want is my youth back....
When I was young I had cheekbones that could shave a nicely matured pecorino, legs like Twiglits
and a constitution like a Camden tramp, but for some reason as you dawdle down the alleyway of your late twenties you seem to loose all ability to do anything to excess.Drinking becomes a dangerous pastime fraught with all manner of pitfalls, the weekday handful of pints that only a couple of years ago would have been a mere aperitif for a night of wanton debauchery now can leave you nursing a headache that feels like someone crept into your bedroom opened your eyelids poured bleach in your eyes then asked several hob nail booted champion shin kickers to stove your swede in.All this pain for just a few bevys,god forbid you should go out on a proper lary one then it really does get messy, myself and a old college mate got a free pass recently when both our better halves were out of town, so out we went, only til two in the morning but we both paid for it for days, and don’t even think about drugs...in my youth I shovelled shit up my hooter,smoked anything flammable and expanded my mind to point of zappa esque proportions, but now seeing my peers crouched over a cistern hoovering up an exotic cocktail of cleaning products glucose and low grade cocaine fills me with melancholy.
I guess that’s one of the upsides of my current lifestyle at least I’m not trying to cling to my youth I’ve let it go, there’s something about the home snorters and over groomed that feels desperate.
So maybe that’s my answer I can’t regain my youth because I’d end up clutching at it, drooling after it,
Always inches from my grasp always a night bus and vomit away, maybe I’m better off in my nostalgic haze, maybe it wasn’t as great as I remember.....
Who am I kidding it was brilliant and I want my hair back!